


Everything Is Just Right

by zeroism



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Coming Out, Confessions, Gender Dysphoria, M/M, Spoilers - Kingdom Hearts III, Trans Male Character, Trans Sora (Kingdom Hearts), gender euphoria, references to other trans characters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-05
Updated: 2019-03-05
Packaged: 2019-11-12 06:14:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,659
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18005384
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zeroism/pseuds/zeroism
Summary: "I don't want to be a girl," Sora cries into his chest. "I wanna be a boy, just like you, but...!""You are! No matter what your stupid dad says," Riku growls, squeezing Sora into a tight hug. "And if anyone else calls you a girl I'll kick their butts!"A week after Sora's dad leaves, Riku and Kairi take him shopping. They raid his bedroom, dumping all of the skirts and dresses he never wore in a box they'll drop at the mayor's house to be donated later.(On Sora and gender and sexuality, spanning most of the Kingdom Hearts timeline.)





	Everything Is Just Right

**Author's Note:**

> Been writing this for about a whole month now jhjkfhjdsk... I'm glad to finally have it out there,,  
> This has a somewhat equal amount of gender-based angst and gender-based fluff, so please be careful when reading it because some of it can be sorta heavy...! There's some kinda nasty stuff relating to how legitimate Sora feels his identity is, some internal Riku conflict, and also a bunch of references to top dysphoria (and even a few of bottom dysphoria, go figure). Also it's, uh, extremely ship-focused?? So I don't recommend reading if you don't wanna see gender identity being tackled through those sorts of lenses, pls take care of yourselves  
> Otherwise, I kept the general mood of it pretty hopeful, but it's a vent/self-exploration piece more than anything haha

"I lied to you," Sora says out of nowhere one day, when Riku is seven years old and they're playing on the beach, not a care in the world.

Riku clearly doesn't know what he's talking about, because his only response is to tilt his head, mouthing a "Huh?"

Sora fidgets, toy sword lowered to the ground, his eyes refusing to meet Riku's. "Dad said I have to stop... telling people I'm a boy. Because... I'm not, so..."

Riku quirks an eyebrow, not quite following. "What? That's stupid," he finally manages. "You're not a girl!"

Sora smiles, but it doesn't reach his eyes. "That's... the thing, I _am_."

"No you're not," Riku crosses his arms, a little petulant pout on his face. "Your dad's being dumb. You've always played here with me and Tidus, right?"

Sora pouts something fierce. "Kairi and Selphie play with us too!"

He has to admit defeat on that specific point, but Riku isn't about to give up. "Yeah, sure, but you're not like... like Kairi! Kairi is a girl! And you're nothing like her! So you can't be a girl!"

"You just think that because I lied to you!" Sora exclaims, and Riku is certain this is the most upset Sora's ever been in the years they've known each other. Even more upset than that one time Wakka knocked his sandcastle over, so Riku knows it's serious. "So I— I have to stop playing with you and _lying_ and go play like a normal girl and...!"

"Sora!?" Riku gasps, rushing closer when he sees the tears start rolling down the other boy's cheeks. "Sora, shhh, don't cry!"

Sora hesitates only for a moment before launching into Riku, sobbing openly, a broken sound that makes Riku feel hollow inside. Makes him feel angry like he never has before. "I don't want to be a girl," Sora cries into his chest. "I wanna be a boy, just like you, but...!"

"You are! No matter what your stupid dad says," Riku growls, squeezing Sora into a tight hug. "And if anyone else calls you a girl I'll kick their butts!"

Thankfully, _thankfully_ , Sora snorts at that, a little watery chuckle following. "You can't say that, that's a bad word," but he doesn't let go of Riku, holding on for dear life. "Would you even kick... my d-dad's butt?"

"Especially your dad," Riku nods, resolute. "I'd kick even Kairi's dad! But I don't think he'd say something that dumb about you. Her dad's _nice_."

Sora nods too, burying his face a little further into Riku's shoulder. "Thank you, Riku..."

Riku decides, at that moment, to extend his promise to much more than monsters and shooting stars and meteor showers.

He'll protect Sora. From anyone and anything that would make him cry like this. 

 

* * *

 

A week after Sora's dad leaves, Riku and Kairi take him shopping. They raid his bedroom, dumping all of the skirts and dresses he never wore in a box they'll drop at the mayor's house to be donated later, Kairi not so subtly slipping some of the nicer ones into her own closet. Sora doesn't mind, since they're going to be given away anyway; he'd rather someone actually appreciate them.

In the privacy of her own mind, Kairi prays that her presence will dissuade Sora from following Riku's less than stellar fashion sense, trying to direct him towards more sensible cargo shorts instead of Riku's horrid baggy pants. Well, they somehow _work_ on Riku, but that's because he can make anything work with all that confidence. Now, Sora... Sora just looked _tiny_ wearing stuff like that. She knew, he'd tried out at least five of the awful parachute pants before she convinced him to give up.

Instead they end up with a bright red jumper with a zipper going all the way across it, which isn't much better, but she thinks it's progress either way. Sora's smile when he tried the full outfit on, with a hooded jacket and gloves and a belt for good measure, was so bright, so happy, the fact that it was _an ugly onesie_ didn't matter.

"Hey, Sora! Look!" She points towards a storefront, an accessory shop, but most importantly, towards a chain composed of bright metal crowns.

"Whoa!" He gasps, almost shoving his face against the glass. "That's so cool! It almost matches the necklace Riku gave me!"

Riku clears his throat awkwardly, voice a little odd (though his voice had been generally weird lately, cracking and varying in pitch and just kind of all over the place) as he explains, "Yeah, this is where I got it from..."

Sora gasps even louder, head whipping towards Riku. "Really!? But— this shop looks expensive!"

"It's really not," Riku squints, but Kairi can tell the flush on his face isn't just from the sun. "It's pretty average for this sort of thing. You'd know if you actually bought stuff for yourself..."

"I don't know anything about fashion, though," Sora crosses his arms petulantly. "But you two do! You always look good."

It's Kairi's turn to blush, letting out a giggle. Leave it to Sora to drop a compliment like that with no warning. "I think that chain would look pretty good on this outfit, though. Don't you think so too?"

Riku makes a show of thinking about it, resting his hand on his chin and humming. "Eh, I think it's worth a try."

And so, dressed head to toe in gifts from his friends, a bag of clothes on each hand, Sora bursts into his house way after sundown, and he's beaming so much his mom doesn't mind that it's dark out and his dinner is cold.

 

* * *

 

Sora doesn't have much time to think about it after the Islands fall into darkness, but sometimes, when he's lying on his cot in the gummi ship and staring into the plastic ceiling, he thinks of his journey so far. And sometimes, he thinks of how all of the new people he's met so far just see him, and think of him as a boy. That they never looked at him with... _that_ look, that mix of confusion and amusement, making him explain for the hundredth time that he was really a boy no matter what his mom had introduced him as when he was a toddler.

None of them seemed to even notice something about Sora was different from other boys. Quietly, pleading, he hoped that would really be the truth.

He does grin wide and blush a little too deeply when Cid sells him a much more modern set of binders than the ones he currently had, but also wonders uncomfortably at what exactly tipped the older man off until he explains that those are the brand he himself used to wear.

In those tiny islands, Sora knew for sure that other people like him existed, heard whispers from gossiping neighbors and stories on TV, but he'd never... met one. It makes him feel just a little less alien, just a little more... seen. More like a real, legitimate person, and not just a confused girl wanting to be more than she could.

He looks at Cid, older and stronger and gruff and decidedly masculine, and wonders into the night if that's what he can become when he grows up, or if he'd like to be more like Leon, a bit more soft around the edges, a bit more gentle despite his rough words.

 _Can_ become. There even being an option was something that never crossed his mind before, but now the world truly seemed so much bigger than the islands.

 

* * *

 

When Sora reaches Atlantica with Donald and Goofy, he doesn't immediately notice anything different. It actually takes several minutes of trying to learn how to move all over again, like a toddler, until he finally _looks_ at himself.

He's certain he feels several emotions at once — surprise, confusion, disgust, fear, elation — because he immediately gets dizzy and disoriented, sinking down a little towards the seafloor. He takes a few moments to re-center himself, trying to keep his emotions under control, and glances back downwards.

His chest is as flat and smooth as a boy's.

There's another cocktail of emotions, but this time they all take a backseat to extreme, electrifying _excitement_ buzzing under his skin. Sora's never, ever dreamed of seeing himself like this, with a body that looks so boyish and real and _his_. Gingerly, he brings a hand up to it, the lack of soft breasts a sensation alien and entirely thrilling. He lets out a sound that not even he is sure whether it is a laugh or a sob, hands shaking with the sheer energy of it all.

Sora asks Donald about it, quietly, later. His knowledge of how Donald's... world border magic thingy works is vague at best, nonexistent at worst, but if it could do something like that...

"If we can get away with looking the same as always, then the magic doesn't do anything," Donald explains, and Sora tries his best to understand the words out of the duck's beak. "But sometimes worlds are so vastly different we _have_ to look different. This is just the best form for you to fit into this world without people noticing anything weird."

Sora would say a duck with octopus legs was pretty weird, but no one _had_ said anything about it, so he figured the magic was plenty accurate.

He takes a moment to think about it, looking at his hands, as if the very movement of them was fascinating.

In order to not look out of place in this world, the magic made Sora look... like this.

Sora was a boy. This was— undeniable proof that he was a boy. At least, that's what he desperately wanted it to be.

"Do you think you could," Sora chokes out, when Donald is about to move on to something else, "Make me look... different, in the other worlds too?"

"Different? Why would... oh," the ducktopus tilts his head, deep in thought. "I've never done anything like that, but the King has, so I know it can be done. I'll take a look once we're outta here..."

Sora... tilts his head along with Donald. "Huh? The King...?"

Donald looks at Sora for a moment, confused, then gives one of his noisy laughs. "I always forget about it, but King Mickey is just like you," he reveals, smiling brightly. "Goofy's son too, but I don't think he used magic?"

Something about that makes a warmth bloom in Sora's chest, his expression blooming into a bright, soft smile, too. "Whoa... The king too... Wait," his face scrunches up, emotions screeching to a halt once he processes the words. "Goofy has a son!?"

"Yeah! A little older than you," Donald guesses from looking at Sora's general frame, "He's training to join the Royal Guard!"

"When were you going to tell me about that!?" He shrieked, feeling utterly betrayed, and also kinda weirded out by the fact that not only was one of his friends an uncle, the other one was _a full-blown dad_. Something about that just seemed wrong, his animal buddies weren't allowed to have children, much less ones _older_ than him.

"I dunno! It just never came up!" Donald hisses up at him.

"What!? What does that even mean!"

 

* * *

 

"Go play hero with this," says Riku _(Riku?)_ as he throws Sora his old toy sword, voice so cold, emotionless and sharp, like a knife. "Maybe find out from that puppet friend of yours how to become a real boy."

Sora comes one breath short, then two, lungs burning. He can't cry. Not here. Not like this.

But when Riku and his friends ( _his_ friends?) leave, all Sora can do for a long moment is stare after them, eyes stinging with despair.

 

* * *

 

In Castle Oblivion, a memory comes to him — of a girl, of Naminé, quiet and sweet, who would draw in silence as he and Riku sparred, who smiled brightly and softly encouraged him whenever he was told he wasn't enough of a boy; she'd been there for him, when the entire world was set out to discourage him.

He's not entirely sure why, but he gets the feeling she was more like him than she'd ever openly admitted to. He wanted to tell her, to make sure she knew she was enough of a girl, too.

That opportunity, though, never came.

 

* * *

 

"Naminé," Riku calls out to her one day, when he still looks and sounds like himself, when they are both watching the white pod Sora sleeps in. "I have a question, or, more of a request..."

"Hmm?" She hums, tilting her head away from her sketchbook.

"In Sora's memories, there are some... unpleasant things. There's..." Riku struggles, trying and failing to get the words out. "His entire life, he's been convinced that he's broken. Told he's less legitimate as a person because of something inconsequential."

Naminé can already tell what this is about, is sure she's heard a speech just like that in Sora's memories, but she remains silent, letting Riku say his piece; it's something she figures he's been thinking hard about for a while.

"Even I... said something horrible to him, once," and she can hear how Riku's throat tightens at that. She can see it deep in his heart, how the words had been sharpened, pointed right to where Riku knew would hurt Sora the most, and how heavy that guilt weighs on his shoulders. "But that... was nothing compared to what others have said and done. He can be the one to judge me for what I've said, but everyone else... He doesn't deserve that To carry so much hurt."

She agrees with that, but still she remains quiet. Doesn't want to tell him the truth, though she's sure that he already knows it.

"If... If it's possible, for Sora to wake up without such painful memories... Or even, if you can remove them or change them..."

Naminé shivers, feeling her skin crawl, and finally breaks. "I'm sorry," she croaks out. "But I can't... guarantee that Sora will remain the same without those memories, unpleasant as they are."

Riku is dejected... but not surprised. At least he understood that much.

Naminé wraps her hands around herself, biting her lip for a moment. "I understand where you're coming from. It's admirable. But those memories are a part of him. And..." She takes a deep breath, steeling herself. "And I will not change them. I won't let anyone use me and my powers for that again."

To his credit, Riku jumps, a look of guilt immediately setting on his face. "Fuck," he curses under his breath. "I didn't... I wasn't thinking... I'm sorry."

She shoots him a little sad smile. "I know. You were just thinking of Sora's happiness." That doesn't change the look on Riku's face, but she knew it wouldn't. "We made sure his body won't develop... unfavorably, because even DiZ agreed the lost time would be irreversible. But that's as far as we should go without his consent."

"You're right," Riku nods after a moment "I just... wish he could be happy."

"He is," she says as grips her sketchbook close to her chest. "You'll see. Sora is strong."

 

* * *

 

There are many things that frustrate Riku about Xion's existence. They were all stuck in a hopeless situation, it wasn't her fault that things turned out this way, but she couldn't stay. They needed— _he_ needed Sora. She had to go, and if he could do it without resorting to force...

Still, though, something about feeling Sora's presence, sensing some of Sora's light coming off of someone who was decidedly feminine— it made Riku want to throw up.

(Of course, he couldn't have known about Xion's quiet conversations with Axel, where they both decided that gender didn't fit their bodies as well as their black coats did. Couldn't know that, one of those hundred-something days, Xaldin had taught them the word "nonbinary" and what it meant to him, and what it could mean to them.)

 

* * *

 

Roxas is a boy. He knows that is a fact. He looks the same as Hayner, has none of Olette's soft curves or anatomy. He never gets teased about it by Seifer, and no one in Twilight Town ever puts it into question. His reflection in the mirror is flat-chested, and some mornings he wakes up with problems he wishes he didn't have to solve.

Sometimes, he finds himself wondering where his binder went, before realizing he never had one in the first place. Sometimes, when Pence vents about how expensive it is to keep his hormones on track, Roxas feels a bitterness he isn't sure where it's coming from.

Why would Roxas be bothered? If he is a boy, why does his body frustrate him so? Why is it that, some days, he feels like he was just born _wrong_?  


* * *

 

The dark world isn't quite so bad, Sora thinks, when he has Riku by his side. But the complete silence, the darkness, is starting to get to him. Even here, on the margin of an inky black sea, there is no sound of waves to ground him, to give him a sense of familiarity, and all he can hear is Riku's quiet, labored breathing next to him.

In this much silence, with this much darkness, it's easy for one's mind to wander. To think too much about things he shouldn't.

Clearly, Riku feels the same way, because there in the silence, lying down on the monochrome sand, staring into the pitch-black sky, he blurts out, "I think I might be gay."

Sora, to his credit, isn't _too_ startled, but the suddenness of the statement still has him sputter. "Really?" He manages, after the shock fades.

"...Yeah," Riku mumbles, and Sora thinks he can see a dusting of pink on his cheeks.

Something's gnawing at the corner of Sora's consciousness — something like disappointment, or worry, or dread. But he doesn't acknowledge it, not now. Now's not the time for his selfish desires to surface, even if he doesn't quite know what they are yet. "Huh," he finally replies, quite intelligently. "I'm happy for you. Sounds like it's been... bothering you for a while."

Next to him, Riku lets out a deep, long sigh. "It has," he shifts a little on the sand, resting one hand over his stomach. "I think it's always been... _there_ , somewhere, but I never..."

"...You never acknowledged it," Sora completes when it becomes clear Riku won't do it on his own. "You just... hoped it would go away."

Riku looks up at Sora, eyes a little wide. "Yeah," he nods minutely. "Was it like that for you too? You've known since we were kids, so I thought..."

"Doesn't mean I didn't question it," Sora shrugs, trying to make it seem much less important than it was. "Or that sometimes I didn't just... wish it would go away."

The silence of the darkness slips between them again, and for a minute or several neither of them speak up, letting the heaviness of the subject linger.

"For what it's worth, I..." Riku says, almost a whisper, hesitating. "I think you're good just the way you are."

That elicits... something from Sora's chest. He has no idea what name to put to it, only that his chest is squeezing almost uncomfortably, and he's starting to feel too warm for a place that has no sunlight. "So, um," his voice cracks obviously and he winces, but he continues, "When did you, uh, know? Was it always there or..."

A beat, and Riku shoots him a lopsided smile— a sign he's noticed Sora's less than subtle attempt at changing the subject, and that he's letting it go, no questions asked. "Well... at first, there wasn't much to notice. The other guys would go on about how this and that girl were _so cute_ , and I didn't feel anything. There just wasn't anything appealing about them. How could anyone think Kairi was cute when she could wrestle me into the ground? It was weird to me."

"Can't relate," Sora interjected, knowing Riku was more than aware of his bisexual leanings. He was rewarded with a low, throaty chuckle.

Sora felt warmer still.

"Looking back now, I think I was just... too busy paying attention to the boys instead," Riku says a little too fast, voice cracking, and Sora distantly realizes he's never really seen Riku so embarrassed, so _vulnerable_. He'd always tried to appear tough and untouchable in front of Sora, ever since they were kids, even when he'd been wearing Ansem's face. This is new, uncharted territory, and it was a little terrifying. "I think... I always felt like this, but I thought maybe it was a fluke, that I just had to wait it out... That someday I'd feel what everyone expected me to feel about Kairi. And maybe that's... part of why I..."

He doesn't finish that thought, but he doesn't need to. Sora can recognize that tone of voice, the guilt weighing on Riku's shoulders.

_Maybe that's why I turned to darkness._

"But now there's... No way for me to pretend anymore. I mean, the thoughts I've had recently... I can't believe a straight man would have those."

That gives Sora some pause. "...How recently are we talking, exactly?"

There's a beat of silence, Riku's hand grabbing idly at his shirt, a couple of heartbeats passing until he speaks up again. "You're gonna think it's weird."

He leans a little downwards, flashing him his best reassuring smile. "You don't have to tell me if you don't want to, but I promise I won't judge."

(If he did, then he'd have to get judged for a whole lot of things, too.)

Another beat, Riku watching the colorless sky, probably thinking over what he had to say. Then a nod. "Okay, don't say I didn't warn you," Riku smirks up at him, and Sora... feels like Riku is hiding something from him. That whatever he's about to say isn't what he was going to at first. "Er, it just hit me at some point, that Xemnas was easy on the eyes. Like, really easy."

Sora has to hold back a startled laugh, but a snort still makes it past his inhibitions. Riku makes a protesting noise, but Sora holds up a hand, stopping whatever complaint he had. "No, no, I get it! I really do!" Sora exclaims, trying to keep his smile fun instead of mocking. "The entire time, I kept thinking it was such a waste that a guy with _that voice_ was the leader of the bad guys."

Riku's expression brightens a little, head tilting more fully towards Sora. "Isn't it? It just made me all the more angry at him."

"Like, how _dare he_ ," and Sora laughs, as if they were gossiping about school friends, not a world-ending villain who'd _just_ tried to kill them. Sharing that with Riku made him feel so much lighter, like the weight of the world wasn't on their shoulders. "If you're that good looking, at least make good use of it instead of tainting it with your plots and evil speeches!"

There's a soft chuckle, no, a _laugh_ , and it takes Sora a moment to realize it came from Riku. In his memory, Riku's laughs were boisterous, confident, not soft and gentle. But— no, that wasn't right. A few years before now, before Riku started getting bitter and way more competitive than usual, there were so many laughs like that. A time when Riku was also a warm blanket, comfort, instead of only a sword to trade hits with. "I shouldn't have been worried. You're clearly more passionate about this than I am."

"I have eyes, that's all," Sora states proudly. "He's waaay too old for us anyway."

"You don't even know how old he is," Riku says, but not disagreeing in the slightest.

The conversation devolves into light hearted banter, and then contented silence, in no time at all. Like their conversations used to, back in the islands, so natural as if they'd never been separated before. The realization brings a calm, peaceful smile to Sora's face. Nothing would change them, even the darkness.

That little insecurity, nagging at the back of his mind, insistently asking if Riku saw him as enough of a boy to be attracted to him, never surfaced. Always quiet enough that Sora was able to ignore its existence.

 

* * *

 

And to his credit, his self-doubt and questioning do stay quiet for a while after that, even as Riku dives into his dreams and becomes Master, once again leaving Sora ten steps behind— but it comes back full force when he finally meets Ventus.

Ventus, who's the spitting image of Roxas. Ventus, who'd been taking solace in Sora's heart for the past twelve years.

Ventus who is, despite their oddly similar appearance, a cis male.

"Do you think... the only reason why I'm a boy is..." Sora mutters to the stairs in the Mysterious Tower, watching Ven from the corner of his eye.

"Hm?" Ven snaps to attention, tilting his head towards Sora, waiting. It's funny, how easy Sora finds to read Ven— perhaps a side effect from having carried his heart for years.

Having his full attention makes Sora nervous, but... He has to ask. He has to _know_. "That the only reason I'm a boy is... because of you?"

Ven blinks, visibly thinking it over. "That's... I'm not sure if that's how it works," he says, voice tinged with uncertainty, but Sora can tell he's more certain of it than he sounds. "I mean, Aqua never had anyone's heart inside her, and she's still a woman..."

"Well, yeah, but... that's different," Sora argues. He wasn't nearly as well-acquainted with Aqua to know her situation, but Sora was obviously a special case. "I've had your heart for as long as I can remember... What if something got mixed up and..."

"My heart is complete because of you," Ven nods resolutely, "but I'm still a guy. Don't you think I'd be at the very least a little bit of a girl if it worked like that?"

"Um... I dunno," Sora picks at the strap on his glove for a moment, not exactly wanting to think much deeper. "...Do you? Feel like... not entirely a boy?"

Ven does ponder for a moment, but his conclusion is fairly quick. "Nah," he punctuates by shaking his head. "I never felt like anything other than a boy. Not when Aqua came out, not when I was split apart, not at any other time. And I think I'm pretty different from... er, Lea? It's still a bit funny for me to think of him as nonbinary, but that's what he is..."

"Uhh, I think he's going by Axel again?" Sora furrows his eyebrows. "Wait, stop trying to distract me!"

"You got me," Ven shrugs, smirking shamelessly. "Seriously, though. I don't think this is worth thinking about. Even if it _were_ just because of me, that doesn't change anything, does it? It wouldn't make you feel... any less of a guy."

"I guess not," Sora sighs, letting himself fall back onto the grass. "It just... would've been nice. To have.. an explanation, for why I'm like this."

Ven smiles down at him, so softly Sora has trouble believing he isn't a Princess of Heart. "I think _everyone_ would like to know the reason why we are the way we are. But we're just _us_. There's no way we can change that."

"Yeah... you're right."

 

* * *

 

On the night before the battle, much later after he watches Sora and Kairi share an intimate moment by the Paopu tree, Riku reaches out to Sora.

The boy doesn't question it, letting Riku lead him by the hand to wherever he wants.

He brings them to the secret place, the cave that was once just his and Sora's, and they have to maneuver a little to get inside, now. Gone were the times where the dark mouth seemed unreachable, the insides of it certainly guarding a terrifying secret.

Now, the door was nothing but a door.

"It looks so different now," Sora mutters, making Riku realize he'd stood there in silence, holding Sora's hand for too long. "So much smaller."

Riku nods, loosening his grip on Sora's hand, but the smaller boy doesn't let go.

He swallows.

"I... realized I might not have a chance to do this after..." He can't finish his sentence, and realizes just how strange it feels to be insecure again. Riku hadn't felt like this in a while, and that helps keep himself together, just a little bit. "I wanted to apologize."

That's clearly not what Sora expected to hear, and to be fair, not exactly what Riku had wanted to say either. It was just something he _had_ to do before anything else. "Apologize? Riku... You know that I don't hold any of it against—"

"I do know. And I'm glad that you forgive me like that. But," he reflexively tries to clench his hand, instead being reminded that Sora's hand is still in his own. "I never did apologize directly. And... it's a specific apology. For... something I said to you, back then..."

Sora's eyes widen, and Riku can feel him squeeze his hand back. "Oh... You mean, in Hollow Bastion...?"

Riku nods, having a bit of trouble swallowing. "I couldn't have picked something more hurtful to say to you, but I did it anyway. I knew how much it would affect you and I..."

"It's okay, Riku," Sora says, but he's not meeting Riku's eyes. "You weren't yourself."

He shakes his head. "I was," and he _knows_ Sora knows that; he's just trying to find an excuse for his friend. "I was misguided and full of darkness, I was already losing myself, but it was still me. I'm not sure if I even really meant it, or if I just said it because I knew it would hurt, but that doesn't change the fact that I did it."

For a long moment, Sora is quiet. Thinking it over, a serious expression he doesn't seem to show other people very often. After what feels like an eternity, he finally breathes and says, "What about... now? Would you mean it if you said it now?"

Riku has to take a moment to understand what Sora means by that—

 _He's asking if Riku thinks he's not a "real boy_ ".

"No!" He exclaims a little too loudly for the muted conversation, but he can't find it in himself to be bothered by that. "Of course not, Sora. I never saw you like that. I didn't even believe you when you said you were a girl, remember?"

"Y-Yeah, but still..." Sora squirms a little, Riku's earnestness getting right through his lingering insecurity. How could he question himself, when Riku was there, believing in him so readily and fully? At least, that's what Riku hoped he could be to Sora.

"Do... you, Sora?" Riku whispers, more softly, almost _sad_. "Think of yourself as... not real?"

"Not as often nowadays," he admits, more easily than he expected. "But sometimes... I still wonder if maybe I'm just lying to everyone. If I'm trying to make a bigger deal of myself than I really am. If I really was a boy, then maybe you'd—"

He snaps his mouth shut so fast, Riku can hear his teeth clatter together. He's so surprised it takes him a moment to notice Sora even let go of his hand, instead holding them stiff against his own body.

Riku doesn't know what to make of it, heart beating a panicked rhythm. "Sora?"

"It's... don't worry about it," Sora tries to smile, to ease Riku's worry, but he just ends up looking like a cornered animal. "I can handle it. No matter how many times I question it, the answer always ends up being the same, so don't worry, okay?"

"Sora... Am I doing something to make you feel like this?" Riku says, ignoring Sora's argument, and even just saying it makes him feel like he's going to be sick. The thought that _he_ could be making Sora question his identity... "You— is it what I said back then? Did it affect you that much? Because—"

"No! No, it's not..." Sora hesitates, and Riku feels a flash of disgust. Of course his past mistakes would catch up to him like this, no matter how far he ran. "Okay, so that didn't exactly help? But I promise this isn't your fault. This problem is way, way more selfish than that."

"That doesn't matter," Riku almost growls. "You're still hurting, and you don't deserve that. After everything you've done to help others... It's okay to want things for _yourself_ , Sora."

"Yeah, but— not this," Sora shakes his head, face scrunched up tight.

"What does that _mean_? Sora," and after a moment of hesitation, he clenches his fist, gently dropping a hand on Sora's shoulder. "If there's anything I can do to help you, I want to do it."

Sora, thankfully, does not shrug Riku's hand off, but he does tense up significantly. "There's nothing you can do about this. It's something I have to deal with on my own. So please..."

"Why are you like this? Stop trying to shoulder everything on your own," Riku groans, more exasperated than upset.

"Okay, fine! If I really was a man, then maybe you would've liked me the same way I do—! But you already said I wasn't a real boy, so there's no way," Sora breathes out roughly, and Riku is too busy being shocked into complete silence to stop him. What in the world does Sora mean by— "And that's not okay! I shouldn't _use_ you for validation like that! It's not fair to you, it's not even fair to me, it's selfish and not in a good way! Forcing you to feel something just to feel good about myself...!"

"Sora, I've been in love with you since we were five," Riku blurts out, faster than he can even think it, before Sora has time to say any more self-deprecating things.

Thankfully, that seems to be enough to stop Sora in his tracks, as the boy watches Riku in complete silence for a long, unending moment. Long enough for Riku to want to turn around and run away, just so he never had to look at Sora's face again. Why did he have to go and say it...!?

"What!? No way, that just can't be true," Sora almost whines, voice rough. "Why would you _say_ that?"

"I didn't think I was being that subtle about it," Riku says almost over him, scrambling to explain himself. "I mean, e- _everybody_ knew, even Kairi wouldn't stop teasing me about it..."

"That... really?" Sora's eyebrows shoot up, and he blinked, like he was trying to make sense of what he was hearing. "Then— why were you trying to set me up with her!?"

"I thought you two liked each other. I knew for sure Kairi did, back then. I thought it would be best for us if..." Riku hesitates, but he's had enough of holding onto his feelings. If nothing else, he had to be honest with Sora, right now. Make himself clear, so Sora would never be confused about this again. "If at least the two of you had a "normal" relationship. It would make people bother us at least a little less."

"That... is that why you didn't say anything, back in the dark margin?" Sora frowns a little, but he's not angry, thank the gods. "Because you... thought I liked Kairi?"

"I... yeah," Riku admits, almost sheepishly. "You... didn't say anything when I came out, so I thought that was proof you weren't interested. So I let it go."

"Why would I say anything!? I had no idea it was an option," He exclaims, tone almost frustrated. "How self-centered would I be if I took that moment from you...!"

"Again— I thought it was obvious, or that Kairi would've told you by now, or literally anyone else in the islands," he elaborates, but saying it like that, he kind of feels like an idiot. Sora wasn't one to pick up on these kinds of cues, and why would Kairi have spread his biggest secret like that? What a silly, bitter hangover from when he let his negative feelings for her fester and grow like a sickness. "I didn't think I _had_ to, but now..."

"You're such an idiot!" Sora puts it simply to him, fists clenching in an attempt to not grab Riku by the shoulders or maybe strangle him. "I thought that— because _you_ didn't say anything, I took it as a sign you weren't interested in me like that!"

Riku, taking a deep breath, drags one of his hands (realizing the other is _still on Sora's shoulder_ ) down his face. "Kairi was right. We're both complete disasters."

"Sounds like something she'd say," Sora mumbles, deflating a little. "Riku..."

He blinks, looking down at Sora, gently, finally meeting his eyes. All the adrenaline fades, at that moments. "Yeah?"

"Are you... serious about this? Do you really..." Sora lets his sentence taper off, but he doesn't avert his gaze anymore. It's a little cute, to Riku, how he can still be bashful about it despite their almost literal shouting match.

"Yeah," he answers with no hesitation. This is one of the things he knows for sure, has known ever since he and Sora closed that accursed door. "You've always been my strength, Sora. Even if you can't believe in yourself, then... At least, believe in me."

Even in the dark like this, watching this closely, Riku can see Sora's feelings clear as day. A deep, red flush spreads, slowly, all the way to Sora's ears and neck. It's adorable, and endearing, and a little embarrassing, but he didn't say anything that wasn't the absolute truth.

"I will," Sora says, throat tight, after a good moment of just _watching_ him. "I'm... sorry I dragged it out of you like this."

He smirks a little at that. "I kind of intended to tell you anyway, but I don't know if I would have been able to, so thanks for that."

"Ugh, geez," Sora groans, dropping his head into Riku's shoulder, startling him. "We've been torturing ourselves all this time over this, huh?"

Riku lets out a little chuckle. "Yeah. We really are idiots."

"If I'd known, I would have..." Sora hesitates a little, voice quieter than usual, head shifting towards Riku's chest. "I-I should have brought a paopu fruit..."

He really, really hopes the way his heart skipped a beat wasn't audible to Sora. "It's fine. We can do it once we come back."

He can feel the way Sora swallows down his unspoken fears and worries, thick and deeply, as he takes a steadying breath. "Yeah. Once we're back home, after all of this is over."

"Also, I'm gay," Riku says, lightly, almost humorously. "Completely and utterly homosexual."

It does rip out a breathy laugh from Sora, so mission-freaking-accomplished. "I _know_ , Riku."

"You know, just in case you forgot."

"What, like I have to remind you that I'm trans? C'mon, you have _not_ shut up about this since we came back."

Riku shrugs, smiling easy and lightly, "I don't know, I feel even gayer right now than I did back then."

Sora shrugs right back at him. "Maybe because you just got yourself a boyfriend?"

That gives him pause, brain kicking it right back into high gear.

"Wait— did I? Are we— uh—"

"...Not if you don't want to," Sora states, simply, but his voice betrays his true emotions—

Hope, and a little bit of fear.

Riku smiles, soft and genuine. He could never not want it.

"Then I guess you just got yourself a boyfriend, too."


End file.
